Fill in the blanks.
Where this is I leave less room for .
(hatred,bitterness,resentment, anger) (love, happiness, joy)
These are just some examples but the lists could go on, fill it in how you’d like.
The book recommends that I “Trust and let go. Before something new can come in, you first need to let go of the old.” Gee, isn’t that an easy one. Not! Even for a girl whose boyfriend unexpectedly passed away, this end to my relationship, if that’s what you can even call it, is an emotional roller coaster. Like any woman freshly falling out of her relationship, I find myself full of the typical pessimistic feelings. Heck, one of the stages of grief is in fact, anger. I have to admit, it’s the stage I stayed in the longest after my boyfriends passing. To this day I find myself mad at him for some of the bad turning points in our relationship, among other things. Unlike a mutual break up, where the couple has potential to work out their issues before or during the break up, I’m left here without any closure at all. I am full of anger, resentment, and hatred and that is leaving me with less from for joy, happiness and love. I must let go if I want to move forward.
I had the perfect idea of how to! Have you ever made a boyfriend box? Ya know, collected mementos throughout your relationship that served no other purpose then to remind you of some happy time or funny joke. I have one or two items from each of my relationships. Michael, my most recent and longest relationship, and the boyfriend who recently passed away, has a larger box full of many tokens of our relationship. These boxes stay tucked inside a bigger box hidden in my storage closet where I won’t often see or think of them.
Now you might be saying, “ahh indeed she’s hoarder” but I have come to appreciate those boxes more and more. Had I not collected those items and my boyfriend had passed, I would be even more devastated not being able to find the ugly yellow teddy bear he won me at the Italian fest our first summer together, or the ticket stub to our last movie together, or my favorite pair of his pajama pants that we had to retire. I even appreciate the tacky fake jewelry from my first boyfriend in junior high or the chain from my first serious boyfriend in high school.
However, I realized I shouldn’t be hoarding my negative feelings. So as my book suggest, I let them go!! Instead of burying them inside me where they often resurface as tears at times when I need to be doing something else, like sleep, I wrote them all down. I decided to be realistic, this is going to be a process, one emotion at a time. I can’t expect writing my feelings down to take the pain of his death away, but with some careful thought, I wrote down the things that I am heavily carrying around inside that I can manage to set free. I for example, have to forgive myself for not being in town when my boyfriend passed away. I have to forgive myself for the hurtful things I said to him during the course of our relationship. I have to work through some of my anger, resentment, and bitterness toward myself if I am every going to work through the ones I hold against him and ultimately if I want there to be room for happiness.
With my reasonable note written, I went shopping!!!
My book also recommends marking a new beginning of a brand new era by planting. It suggests a tree, a tomato plant, or a rose bush. I tweaked this one a bit! You see I have always wanted plants in my room. A mini garden of greenery. I have had some infatuation with lavender for years now and it’s aroma relaxing therapeutic qualities. So now is the time!
First I went in search of the perfect plant holders for my room. I found them, at target in the candle section, as that’s what they are meant for. They were five dollars apiece. I ran over to Menards and bought a small bag of indoor planting soil for two dollars and some odd change. Then I ordered my seeds! They had to be ordered online as stores, including Menards, don’t have their gardening section quite ready for another month yet. I used Burpee.com as they have a whole section on Herbs. I ordered four packets each containing 100-500 seeds for twenty dollars total. I decided on purchasing chamomile, mint, rosemary, and of course lavender! Not only will my room smell wonderful but I can use them in my tea!
Then it came down to putting my two goals together. I took my note placed it in a zip-locked baggy, which I had planned to use anyway as a liner for my pot holder so they wouldn’t get ruined by the dirt and water of my plants, and stuck it in the bottom. I covered it with the dirt, planted my seeds in it, and now it’s just a matter of time for them to grow!
I made room for a new beginning. I let go and let grow!