How do you look back on your life? So much of my life can simply be categorized by relationships. I remember meeting the guy who became my first boyfriend in sixth grade and all his dorky friends. Pathetic, I know. I remember moving on from him to my first “real” relationship in highschool with one of the most popular guys in school. Within a year a new period in which I lost all my friends because I was so wrapped up in that relationship emerged. I remember the time period during which I made new friends. My closest at the time, a crazy strawberry blonde girl whose world had no boundaries and consequently brought me extended limits. Through her I started a relationship with a guy who went on to be my boyfriend for eight years. During our time as a couple I likewise, can classify our eight years together by the three and half years before our son and the three and half after him.
Relationships, they are the markers on my timeline in life.
For over a year now, I’ve been doing what I need to get by, always going through the motions, staying overwhelmingly busy. I was already working full time, plus overtime, but I decided to throw in school, and when I was able to accommodate that, I threw founding and running a nonprofit organization into the mix, and when that was manageable I added more hours to my work week. All the while grieving, very very secretly grieving.
I can’t tell you how many days I woke up not wanting to get out of bed. How many nights I cried myself to sleep. How many times the realization that my son was fatherless would smack me in the face and take my breath away. Or how many times the few close friends I have, listened to me retell the same emotions and stories that are constantly going on in my head on replay. While trying to keep a smile plastered to my face for the rest of the world.
With my relationship ending in death I swore off love and resorted myself to being single. As if it were a bad thing.
However earlier this month I came to a number of realizations that have given me new perspective.
-No one ever can and ever will replace the love I lost. No relationship will feel that way. But death aside, that’d be the case as well. So I may as well be open to the idea that I may find happiness with another lover somewhere down the road.
– Being single my not have been my choice, but it is now. All the opportunities I’ve had to date, I’ve turned down, or purposefully lacked the effort it takes to build a relationship.
-Relationships take effort and time and work and commitment, and quite frankly they take more then I’m willing to give. I’d rather be selfish at this time in my life, focus on me for once.
-I am enjoying this phase in my life, the only time period on my timeline that’s marked by singleness. In the past year I have grown and matured and learned more about myself and others and the world then I could have imagined. There has been so much value to all of it.
All that being said, I leave you with these quotes from Eva’s book;
“When one door of happiness closes, another one opens. But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us”. – Helen Keller
“If only we’d stop trying to be happy we’d have a pretty good time”- Edith Wharton
I am creating a healthy happy me, one day at a time.